What a Morning

In our lifetimes we will probably see very few people emotionally raw. I'm talking about where they have stripped themselves of all social constraints and just are. It takes either a lot of trust or a hell of a lot of alcohol. And I experienced the latter at 5am today.

I woke up to the sound of my doorbell ringing over and over and over. Looking at the clock on my cellphone it reads 5:10 in the morning. Who….the….hell… is at my door at 5am? I walk down from the third floor and standing at the top of my stairs stare down and see something straight out of a movie. A blonde woman is hanging her head against my door in a robe holding a bottle of vodka. I contemplate if I should open the door. Hell I was already up; this was going to get interesting. As soon as I open the door a woman I have never met starts wailing like a banshee. I can't really make out what's she saying. No blood… she's not pointing anywhere… I guess it's not an emergency. She's in her 30's and I think she is the next door neighbor though I'm not sure. I'm half awake and she's half talking so there are a lot of barriers to overcome before communication can ensue.

"WHAAA internet typee typee you have"

"Are you asking if my internet is working"

"Yaaaaaa"(nods head)

"No it's not"

"Go ask them (points across the driveway)"

"No one here has internet and it's 5am"

She's upset. Her name is Shelly and she wants internet. She asks me to sit down. I crouch as she lays on my porch in a pile of debri and leaves now adorns her hair and vodka is pouring both on her and my porch. She doesn't really say much it's just me trying to convince her to go inside/figure out if she even is my next door neighbor. Apparently she writes, but can't write because her internet is out. Drunk logic I guess? As she rolls around the floor things start falling out as she kicks her legs around. I barely know my neighbors name and I have seen her naked… this is uncomfortably weird. At this point she notices my toes which are neatly cleaned up.

"Nice pedicure your gay… I understand"

"I'm not gay the girl I'm dating did that" (they do look rather shiny and I stop to admire them)

Now that Shelly understands my sexual orientation she proceeds to offer me oral sex. Rapidly interchanging her "typee typees" with "suckee suckees" and making inappropriate gestures. I graciously decline and contemplate waking my brother up1. Not wanting to wake him from his angelic sleep I just try and convince her to go to bed. Shelly starts forming a circle with her hands asking me if I'm in her circle of trust and that I need to get inside of it (proceeds to put one finger in the circle) and offers to pay me. At this point I start laughing about how unbelievably hilarious this story is and how people will react when I tell them this story. When something this surreal happens you almost live outside of the moment and just witness it.



Apparently she had rung other neighbors doorbells because a police officer starts walking up my driveway. His first view is of a girl holding a bottle of vodka in a robe and me standing there in my boxer briefs. I'm concerned and not wanting to get tased for what he could presume as a domestic disturbance I yell out "Don't tase me bro"2 I explain to him everything I have explained to you thus far and expect Shelly to now presumably be on her best behavior. Shelly gets worse and starts crying about not wanting to go to jail. She shows the officer her goods (presumably by accident though at this point how can I be sure) and as he takes the bottle away starts screaming and demanding to be given her vodka back. He can't arrest her because at this point she is too drunk for jail. She tells the officer when he asks her to calm down quote, "I can't I need some weed. I'm completely out of pot. Can you get me some?" I lean over to tell him this is the weirdest night of my life. He says the same. As we look back Shelly is laying on her face with her naked butt in the air. She has a smiley face tattoo. Have A Nice Day!

At this point ChiChi has come outside and we shake hands and introduce ourselves. She's a tall black woman and apparently was the one who called the police. She trys to cover up Shelly who is showing EVERYTHING, but after several minutes ChiChi realizes that Shelly is more of an upfront kind of girl. The officer is trying to calm her down and find out what was wrong to no avail. Eventually we convince her to go into her house and me and ChiChi through much effort get her to the third floor. ChiChi stays in the room and then walks out saying "hell naw that girl just called me a bitch. I don't play that. I'm out." I tell Shelly to go to bed and start walking downstairs. She is standing next to me and throws her cellphone down the stairs and proceeds to run down them with a second wind of coordination. The police officer is now at the bottom of the stairs, and I give him the bottle of Ambien which I found next to Shelly's bedside just in case she took them. Her robe has now become a waist high apron. No one really cares at this point anymore. It's now been an hour and as I leave the officer is standing outside the apt telling Shelly if she came she was going to jail.

I still don't know what caused her to start drinking in the first place. She mentioned her boyfriend lived in Dallas. Loneliness? Fired? I may never find out. What a morning.

1 Kidding… sorta = D

2 Literary embellishment


Post script: Shelly apparently met my brother and told him that she was sorry for waking us up. Apparently she barely remembers the whole thing. She used the terms "raging alcoholic" when describing why she does the things she does. Is that not weird to anyone else? Apparently she was out with friends and just had too much to drink.